my mind, my thoughts, my life

my elder bro is having a hard time, few days ago, his relationship, which was last for more than 4 years, had to have an end. he broke up. just like that, no big fight, no yelling, no shouting and no tears (at least not in front of me…), i guess it was the sum of every little fights and misunderstanding, finally come to its limit, their limits.
and suddenly, his whole life is forced to change. no going out on sunday, no late night calls, no motor, no teddy bear, no she-said or her-someone-said such talking anymore. he comes home early, sleeps early, be with his friends more often and stuffs…
funny how i used to think they’re gonna be forever, married and so on… i used to call them twin, well they looked like one, you can’t seperate them, they were a package and it is still feel weird to me to see them alone (not that i want them to be together again, i kinda relief when they finally broke up… and it’s not that i don’t like his girl too, it was just complicated, and it’s getting simpler now…)
i remember how Edwin usually jokes about we’re gonna be husband and wife, till death do us part and blah blah blah and i always reply him like ‘no one knows…’, it turns him sad, hahahahha kinda i let him down by not saying ‘yes, i do think so too…’. it’s not that i don’t want this relationship lasts forever, it’s just… no one knows for sure. and even so, deep in my heart i do wish that it’s gonna be forever, and the thing happened to my bro kinda slaps me in the face, wakes me up and makes me think again, it is true that no one knows the future and nothing lasts forever, even the prettiest or the ugliest thing in the world will have its end, we just have to wait for it and do the best while we still have the time and chances…
well the moral of the story is nothing lasts forever, be thankful for everything you have now for it will only be temporary

somehow, i still want to discuss or just talk about my memories…
but, lets start with today…
this morning started a little shocking, Gde finally woke up earlier than me!!! with no grmbl! grmbl! stuff, as he usually does everytime i say, “de kamu duluan mandi ajah, masi ngantuk ne…” he did it himself, woke up fast when his alarm rang, took a bath and didn’t wake me up!!!!! damn!!! when i finally woke up, it was 6.30, he was ready with all his outfit…

“lho? yin? mandi sana…” (you should had wake me up!!!! not lho??)
“iyeh…”
“hari ini aku pegi duluan, ikut jemputan kantor.”
“oh”
“jam 7.20 dijemput deket slipi sana”
“oh” (again… i was between still sleepy and mad…)

just before he left home, i remembered, i didn’t have any money…. well i had 7.000 in my pocket, and it was not enough…
“de!!!” (loudly, from inside my bathroom…)
“ha?”
“ada 10 rebu ga? pinjem dulu…” (with a sweet and nice sound, as i need to borrow some money…)
“ga ada neh…”
“heeee??”
“cuma ada 8 rebu, mau?”
“yah..ga usa da” (so we were all out of money…)
“ambil ajah di atm kampus bentar…”
“iya deh.. gampang”
“pegi dulu…”
“bye”
Aaaarrrrg!!! no money…. then i spent another 15 min to searched all over the house for some money, since we all have the habit to leave money everywhere… guess what… i found 5.000 (in different spots of course…) and by then, i could headed over to office with no problem at all…

well, well… and as we left home one by one, i had to take m24 to salam then m11 to slipi, oh wait!!! when i got of m24, i crossed the street, went straight to where m11 is waiting, i was a little bit running, as it was almost 7.30 and the m11 was almost full… hurry… suddenly some strange guy waved at me from inside m11, he smiled (eyuh!!!! he looked like a maniac when he did that) at me and made a come-hurry-sit-next-to-me movement with a i-like-you-you-are-pretty smile in his face… i stopped!! turned arroud and wait for another m11
my heart was still beating so fast for the next half hour… i am scared!!! and terrified!!
i’ve seen lots of guy like that in public transportations, (like last night too, a guy kept starring at me with his (damn!!!) maniac-like face and some smile… ih!!!) and it makes me wondering, is this why most people would suggest me not to take the public transposrtation too often or alone…

but the rest of the journey to the office this morning was okay… i got the bus to blok M so quick, i didn’t even have to wait for 5 min…
so the same thing happened to 605a, i got a seat!!! it was empty and quick… i arrived at 8.30, still, though i got up late… so i spent the whole morning filling some bulbo and updating my blog…

ini blog melanjutkan yang sebelumnya, di postkan pada hari yang sama, berselang beberapa jam…

still talking about memories, i’ve just got back to one of those time i don’t have to remember, but yeah, again… our brain is just too damn great!!!

i am talking about one of my past relationship, with a guy, back in my third year high school, well sort of relationship… it last for only a month, which felt like almost forever… we were never good enough to be partner, it was half my fault, i fell in love easily, still actually (when will i’m gonna be able to change it…?), and too easily, till i can never judge him correctly. and things went wrong, really wrong… we went through hard times, and finally we gave it up, he let me go, well both of us really gave it up, it was about waiting the right time to happen. and it did happen, one night, by phone… i did cry, a lot, big big cry, for a whole night, then i forgot about it the next morning… cause it was never too beautiful to be remembered, never hurt enough to be cried over and over, and life must go on… so that was it, we are friends again, like nothing ever happened to interupt it…

i put the whole story to the very back of my memory box, until this afternoon…
we suddenly started to chat, via YM, after years of silence… we talked about everything, joked around, just played it easy, then suddenly he said sorry…. what the…???? i am wondering, why..? then he, just like that, pushed me back to my old memories, damn!!!
never mind, then i started to qestioned the thing i always wonder, “why?” why we did what we did? why things went wrong when it seemed to be just fine? why it was beautiful in the very begining and soooo ugly and painful in the end? why we had to get through that? and thousands more why?
but, i don’t know why, it was just doesn’t hurt me like it was anymore, in fact… i felt nothing, definetly nothing… well time can change everything… i can laugh about it now, think of how i used to be so naive and stupid, hihihihi

i do thank him, for saying “i’m sorry”, it means a lot… i thought it was my fault, i thought i was the one who never good enough for him… hihihihihi well, we both made our mistakes, and we both are sorry for that, now, can we just move on?

Pagi ini, seperti biasa, g uda di kantor, duduk manis - sangat manis, berlama-lama di depan komputer, and do nothing!!!, selain tentunya nge cek e mails dan friendster, What a life???
Pagi ini, juga seperti biasa, ga ada kejadian yang heboh atau apa pun, yang membuat pagi ini belum bisa di kategorikan hari senang atau be-te.
Jadi, mari kita (to whoever wants to listen…) bicara tentang apapun yang seketika sedang melintas…

MEMORIES
Gila ya, ingatan manusia itu… Incredibly unbelieveable… dengan ukuran segede otak kita (yang tentunya bervariasi…) mampu menyimpan memori puluhan tahun, well, mungkin ga sejelas yang seharusnya, tapi tetap aja…
banyak hal yang g berharap otak g tidak mengingatnya, things i don’t want to remember, things i don’t need to remember, things i shouldn’t remember and things that never should happened, for good…
akhir-akhir ini, g banyak mengingat hal-hal itu… kenapa ya? lewat mimpi atau tiba-tiba aja muncul kelebatan-kelebatan, kenapa tidak biarkan saja semuanya perlahan menghilang dan mengabur, atau bahkan terhapuskan dan tergantikan dengan yang baru?
beberapa hari lalu, g mimpi soal tempat les masa kecil g, it was hell!!! i remember how i used to cry or simply tried everything everyday so i didn’t have to go. i can still remember the place clearly, the house, the color, the smell, the light and the people… i remember, i was really scared everytime someone put me in a room (it was actually the teacher’s & her husband’s room), i was scared of her husband, i was scared he would locked the room so that i was alone with him… Aarrrgh!!!
eh, kenapa jadi bahasa inggris ya? yah, gpp, lanjut aja… i used to connect him with a bad drunker and child mulaster, well, still… he used to smell very bad, i guess he still does, like a bag of a crap!
they used some old style teaching, the one that suggests you to hit or punish kids when they’re not listening or simply being stupid, ow i hate it!! thanks God i don’t have to be there forever
It’s just…. but i couldn’t remember why i was soow happy in my dream…

do past memories do you a good favor?
i admit that i am not gonna be who i am now without those past experiences, including the hell i’ve mentioned before… but what else? trauma? depression?
the hell is just one of the nicest bad memories i can remember, there’re thousands like it, ever worse! i have one, the worst one, i guess… and it make me still affraid of some sort of relationship, i hate this feeling, the way to think that people are as bad as other people, but i can’t help it….

I think I am cursed, here in Le Bo Hell ( or so Ipit call this so called office place…)
I think I am gonna die… (NO!!! I don’t wanna die… but this pain… I can’t stand it anymore..)

It started about a week ago, I’ll tell the complete story…
My bro came back from Banjarmasin, he gave me some sort of medicine, brownish, well almost grrenish too, powder and smells bad…
My mom gave him, told us to take those stuff 3 times a day, almost forced me to do so actually
She said “You always do the ehm! ehm! everytime, and I hate it! Take those stuff!!”
So… I had to do it…
The first two days, it was okay.. nothing happened, but i started to do the ehm! ehm! even more…
and now!!!! after amost a week, I feel like wanna die…
Yesterday, I lost my voice, everytime I tried to talk, the only sound came out was a whisper, a scary one, like those in the cheap horror movies
Today, I found my voice already, although still sounds sooow weird
And the headache… It’ll make my head blow very soon…
And my stomach.. I wanna throw up… and I’ll be very glad if I could just throw up and emptying my stomach…
Hhhhhhhh it’s all started with a medicine…

“Selamat Hari Burung”, or yeah… one of my friend sent me that message, sounds funny
Nov 7th, 2005 was my 21st birthday (Arrrrgh… I am old!!)
It was sort of okay, no big different with the past years
But, there was somethings that made me happy, really really happy

Nov 6th, 2005, Couple minutes before midnite
I was reading “After the Midnight” by Linda H in my room whwn suddenly my boy showed up
And I was really shocked, I was like “What are you doing here?!!! What if someone sees you?!!”
In fact, I didn’t even remember it was almost my birthday
I was panic, and he didn’t answer my questions
He rushed to my room, forced to stay, And I was like “Nooooo!!!!!”
I started to freak out
“Go home! I don’t want people to think wrong about me taking guys in-in midnite!!!”
“No! I want to stay…”
“No you can’t!!”
“I miss you, I want to see you. is that wrong?”
“You can do it tommorow morning. Now go home!”
Sudennly something rang, it was his phone alarm
“What’s that?”
“Ow, it’s time… Happy Birthday ndut..”
“Hee?”
“Okay, I’ll go now…”
“Wait, is it my birthday already? What date is today?”

Nov 7th, 2005, Seconds after midnite
Yeah, sort of stupid confersations….
Then he gave me 2 things, both are Tim Burton’s Nightmare Before Christmas merchandises, one bag and one make up case
Soooooow cool, I like it sooooow much
I know hw bought them in Jabotabek Shopping (there was the first time we saw those stuffs)
And I know too, those stuffs are very expensive (I can’t afford them…. so thanks Ndut…)
Then He went home
My phone rang right after I locked the door, It was Rossie, my old friend from high school
She said Happy Birtday, and we had a little chat (after sooo long….)
Then I got some other messages from old friends
I was sooooo happy, they remembered my birthday though we didn’t see each other for almost 3 years
hehehehehehehe

well Happy Birthday again for me