my mind, my thoughts, my life

Oct, 27th 2005
It’s already 9.45 PM and I’m still here, in my stupid office, trying to do some work
Damn!!! it’s sooo damn late…
But I’m happy today…
I have my first photo session, finally…
It’s fun, so fun, for sure, I was acting like a little girl with her new little doll
It’s exhausted, but I kinda enjoyed it, I would really really love to do it again and again
We were doing the photo session for United Can’s 2006 calendar, the photographer, Utomo or U’ut is a very nice and fun person, well he kinda made my first photo session enjoyable
We had to photo for about hundreds of cans and tins, finished and unfinised, different sizes, different materials and of course from different angels
We did it in a studio, which is used by many well known photographers and models…

Heyyy, U’ut, he used a unique (and cool) lens, called lensbaby, waw waw… the results…. I adore it
He also showed us some weird tool called “kukun” (or something sounds like that)
Ahhhh new day, new things, new people, new knowledge, I’m more smarter that much everyday

Syair Pengantar Tidur

Kerlip Bintang Nakal
Mengintip di sela mimpi
Senyum hangat Sang Bulan
Teduhkan hati dengan lagunya
Belai lembut Jari Jemari Angin
Mengusap pipimu yang merona

Kecup Hangatku, sampaikan lewat kabut
Mengetuk lembut jendela hatimu

Angin sampaikan puisi ini
Dongeng untuknya sebelum tidur
Bisikkan kata Cinta yang mesra
Semoga mimpi indah tentangku, tentang Kita

Bulan nyanyikan syair ini
Agar dia terlelap malam ini
Lantunkan Rindu dari hati
Semoga mimpi indah tentangku, tentang Kita

I wrote this in ‘99, when I was a freshman in high school
The weird thing is, I was single that time
I can’t remember what inspired me to write it
I never gave it to anyone, since I can’t find one to recieve this
Even my boy, mmmm it’s just sooooo not us
We’re not that romantic…

We never really thought about it, that we all have a very very creative side of ourselves
Really… I think I just figured it out, how silly…
These last few days, I started checking people’s blog
And I read a lot of poems, they wrote themselves.. waw!
Most of them are really really nice, my salute to you all

Well, the point of this post is I just wanna say never underestimate your other side of brain
Never ever say that you are not creative, that only artists are creative or maybe designers
We all have that creative side, we just never really pay enough attention
So, take a look, you have it…

Never know before how it feels to be forgotten…
I easily forget people’s names and faces, who they are, when did I meet them and stuff
And I easily say sorry, I didn’t mean it… and the whole bullshit reasons
Am I mean? I don’t think so… I’m human, I make mistakes, okay?

Well, until few days ago….
I met one of my best childhood friend (thanks to friendster…)
We haven’t seen each other for 7 or 8 years, since I left my hometown
I was sooo happy… we were so close
I remember she gave me that crystal
the one with santa claus and his deer inside
the one can play a christmas song
I added her, I sent her a message, asked “how are you doing?”, said “i missed you…”
Then I got a reply
And guess what, she didn’t even remember my name….
She was like “Have we met before? I think I know you” stuff
It hurts me like hell, I cried for a moment, thought why…
It’s okay if she don’t recognize my face for we haven’t met for a long time
But she didn’t even remember those time we’ve been through together
All the stories I told her, she was just like “Oooow really? Sorry then.. I’ll ask my mom about it”
Should I blame her, or blame time that goes so fast, or it’s simply just human mistakes?
I can’t mad at her, for I did the same thing to many people

One said to me “The relationship between human is so fragile and weak…”
It’s true then, for we never really appreciate those friendship things
I want to say sorry to those who have been hurt by me
Can we start it over again?
This time, we’ll do it right… Okay?

Dedicated to all my friends, wherever you are, Love you all

I used to dream, well not used to, i still dream the exact same stupid thing
that one day I’ll be just like those girls in those mags, posing so beautifully
like they’re no human, they’re no real, so fragile yet so bold
that one day I’ll have a chance to be seen, for who I really am
show my talents, be an inspiration like those who have inspired me
Well ’till the very present breath of mine, it remains a dream, seems to never change
it becomes an obsession, more and more
Did I try to make it come true? Hell yeah…
again and again, lower my ego to my feet
but I never gonna make it, never gonna be one of them
What it takes to be one?

“You’re too fat…”
“You’re no pretty.”
“Nothing about you is special…”
“we’ll call you when you’re thinner.”

Well, what is pretty? What is beauty?
They say true beauty is not in facial mode, it’a reflected from one’s soul
But why can’t they really see my beauty?
Then in my deepest depression, my friend gave me this poem:

True Beauty
Things aren’t really as bad as they seem
listen to me, I’m your self-esteem
You’re not really Ugly
and You’re not Overweight !
Think of your Good Points
Your Complextions in great !
You have a great sense of Humor
and are as Smart as can be
Who cares if you don’t wear a Perfect size S ?
You’re Thoughtful and Caring
Your action will show the Heart full of Love, that I already know
Don’t listen to those who insults your way
Just smile and nod and think of this day
I’m saying it now
and I’ll say it again
“How you look doesn’t matter, True Beauty lies within…”

She’s great, one of those who really cares
I cry everytime I read this (and now my eyes are already wet..)
She cares about me and she showes it
Well you know who you are sweety
Just wanna say, Thank You for being there when I needed you most

Aduhhhhh, can’t wait!!!!
Akhirnya… itu film bakal kluar juga, uda lama neh nunggunya… finally this Dec…
Novelnya seh oke banget.. yaaa meskipun waktu g cerita sama salah satu temen g, dia cuma jawab “siapa seh yang ga suka itu?” dengan nada selera-lu-standar-abis plus bola mata yang diputar… Hm hm… iya kali ya? standar, tapi bodo! G suka pokoknya!
Well, yah meskipun agak2 kecewa dan merasa aneh aja, kenapa itu film pake bahasa Inggris? Emangnya di Jepang saat itu pake bahasa Inggris ya? hhhh what can I say, it’s hollywood thing… yah mestinya kaya film Hero-nya Jet Lee deh, it’s hollywood too, tapi pake bahasa Mandarin, well karena settingnya mang di China sono.
Meskipun gitu, g tetep nungguin kog…
Posternya cool, Zhang Zi Yi di situ cantiknya misterius banget, unik aja… jadi pengen foto kaya gitu deh. Ada yang tertarik motret g? huehehehehe
Balik lagi ke topik utama, bisa ga yah film yang rata2 durasinya 2 ato 3 jam menampung seluruh isi novel tebel itu? Semoga filmnya juga sebagus novelnya…

G menyerah.. akhirnya, g kalah. Menyerah pada keraguan, percaya pada apa yang terlihat bagus pada saatnya. Sekarang rasanya ga sebagus itu lagi… atau tampak ternyata itu sangat buruk. Damn!!!
Ternyata memang cara terbaik menilai sesuatu adalah menunggu, setidaknya beberapa hari setelahnya. When will I begin to learn from my mistakes?
Sudahlah, penyerahan g ini mungkin benar-benar bisa membuat g belajar… Mungkin…
Tapi, tetap, sebagaian dari g, mungkin g yang sebenarnya, ato bisa juga bukan, merasa penyerahan tolol ini sesuatu yang menyenangkan, atau setidaknya aman buat g…
Sudahlah, penyerajan g ini mungkin memang menyenangkan pada saatnya nanti… Mungkin…

Ketika lelah siap merayap
Di ujung jalan panjang ini
Di antara pencarian cintaku
Kutemukan kamu…
Sang Pencari Cinta yang hampir lelah
Karena itu, mari…
Akhiri pencarian itu di sini
Di tepi permandian peri
Kamu dan Aku, Berdua…
Biarlah pencarian itu berlabuh di sini
Karena perahu cintaku telah temukan dermaganya
Karena aliran rasamu telah temukan muaranya
Karena dahaga batinku telah telah temukan oasenya
karena kelam hatimu telah temukan cahayanya
dan…
Karena pelangi impian kita adalah satu
Karena itu, kukatakan sekali lagi
Wahai Pencari Cinta yang hampir lelah
Akhiri pencarian itu di sini
Di tepi permadian peri
Kita…
Kamu dan Aku…
Berdua…

Waw waw…
I wrote it about a week after we were officially a couple
and since, I haven’t wrote any…
I’m missing those feeling
Help me….
I need inspirations, those roller coaster feeling
help me please, anyone?

Finally…. Bandung…
for almost 3,5 years I stay in Jakarta,
last tuesday is the very first time I visited Bandung…
I know, I know… pathetic huh?
I don’t care, I was sooooo excited, well although we didn’t go anywhere but ITB and Cihampelas Walk
Still… It was my first time
I’ll tell the complete story

Monday night (well it was almost midnight actually), Pak Hagung called me
“Do you want to go to Bandung with us?”
And I was like “What?”, “Ooow, when?”, “What?? Tommorow?”, “What? Oh, Okay…”
That was it…

Tuesday morning, I woke up a little bit late
did everything in rush, forgot to charge my phone
arrived at time at campus, but no one was there
“Arrrgh!!! am I late?”
fiyuh… nope, Pak Hagung was still on his way, trafiic jam, Jakarta….
So I decided to have a breakfast with other students
Bakmie ‘Ngkoh Perkasa, my fav…
Suddenly rain fell down (thank God, I finished my meal already), so we ran back to campus
It was almost 10 am when we finally really really ready to go
Still raining all the way
I couldn’t stop turning my head right and left along the way
I love the view, all green… remind me of my home town…. huuhuhuhuhu
And, oh…. the old train rail, wow!!! amaizing…
We arrived at 1 pm, went straight to ITB
(hey… everyone was calpping when I finally stepped at Bandung land… Horrrayyyy)
Opened the Light of Hope exhibition, had a little ’study tour’, took pictures
haaa? already 4 pm?
“Aren’t we going somewhere else?”
Well, Cihampelas Walk was the next destination
“Okay, come back here at 5.15. We’re leaving…”
“Haaa? what can I do in an hour?”
Nothing else but eat, my stomach was singing so loud…
Ate at Gokana (yea right, like I can’t find it in Jakarta)
Finished meal right at 5.15 pm
Huhuhuhuhu I wanted to go around…. but we had to leave…
I slept all the way home, sooo tired
Arrived in Jakarta at 7 pm

Yea, that’s it…
Heyyy, somebody… take me there again, pleaseeeee

Right now i’m listening to this song…
It magicaly touches me, again and again
especially the part when she sings something sounds like “jing jing.. jing aaaaaa…”
well I don’t really know what she says, it just sounds soooo good

That song is part of Putumayo’s “Music from the Coffeelands II”
Melodic and Refeshing, will lift your spirits and stimulate your soul
The CD contains great songs, but my favs are the first two songs
The singers come from different countries, using different languages
and the whole CD just sounds exotic to me